December 2011
3 posts
#Kim Jong DEAD? I didn’t know he was Kim Jong ILL.
Our departure from #Iraq would have gotten more media attention if that bear had waved goodbye to us while we left.
November 2011
16 posts
It would be so awesome to have sex with a vampire. Or anyone. #twilight
My boss just asked me to “Print out a Google on Bert Kaempfert.” #replacetoner
Prince Charles turns 63 today. The celebration will give him a welcome break from his busy schedule of waiting for his mother to die.
Been to a Sears lately? That store is so covered with Kardashians you’d think it had a jump shot.
Ha! http://t.co/uLwfQTah
A fourth Mexican blogger has been murdered. On the bright side, he got to get murdered in his pajamas.
Hey, why shouldn’t #joepa get to wait ‘till the end of the season to retire? Quitting now won’t undiddle those kids, amIright? #penn state
Adobe confirms that Flash is dead, despite Ming’s order that he be taken ALIVE! #hailming
Jersey City: I Already Tweeted That, JERKFACE #hometownslogans
Jersey City: Come for the Falafel, Stay Because Chromium Has Rendered Your House Unsellable #hometownslogans
STILL deliberating? If Michael Jackson had really wanted to go to sleep, he should have just watched this trial. BORING! #conradmurray
“The real crime here isn’t the multiple homicides; it’s that these people still use incandescent light bulbs.” DALTRY SCREAM! #TedDansonCSI
To be fair, Gilgamesh loved weed RT @slutservations “Epic” should only be used to describe Gilgamesh, not your weekend of getting high.
If you DON’T loudly complain “That mall wasn’t even POPPIN’!”, you will NOT be in the running for Teen On This Bus I’d Most Like To Punch.
If only you could rub something on your gums to numb them… RT: @lindsaylohan Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom..My gums are so sore though!
Larry Flint turns 69 today. Wonder how he’ll celebrate? No, I literally wonder-are there pulleys or something?
October 2011
27 posts
So indifference isn’t an option? RT: @MaksimC I WILL NEVER CHANGE! Love me or hate me!
RT @EmilyPostmodern: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of The Cure.
I believe her story: in fact, I think Lindsey Lohan has been looking for the entrance to the morgue for years.
Poor Cubs fans probably won’t get to assassinate a dictator for another hundred years.
The Persian Gulf is rapidly becoming a terrorist body junk drawer. #gadhafi
“Walking Dead” as Homeric epic: http://t.co/yxn5xPzU
Walking Dead as Homeric Epic
If you got past the title of this post then you, like me, are probably in possession of a useless degree in Literature. Kudos! Dust it off, and let’s chat about Walking Dead.
Last year I suggested to the wife and some friends that I felt AMC’s excellent Walking Dead was a modern retelling of Homer’s Odyssey, and the second season premiere confirmed this for me. Here’s a...
Herman Cain denied his “999” plan is based on “SimCity.” Then the diamond moved over to Mitt Romney’s head and he got to talk for a while.
I actually posted something. ON MY BLOG!!! And you guessed it, it’s about sexy sexy local politics: http://t.co/yxn5xPzU
Hello long-neglected little blog...
I so seldom think of anything to post here other than my RSS feed jokes (@guylarious on Twitter, come on get with it), but I wanted to share this with you. My neighborhood in Jersey City, like many other neighborhoods everywhere, is suffering from a tightened governmental belt. NJ Transit was threatening to reduce bus service, which would really have adversely effected lots of people. Lafayette ,...
Side-by-side stories on Comcast page this AM: “Terror Suspects Killed in Yemen” and “Whats with Lohan’s Teeth?” It’s like they know me.
“Sesame Street” will air an anti-bullying episode on Monday. I’d watch it, but I’m a grown man for Christ’s sake.
RT @slutservations: I’ve been informed that my privates are not a field of daisies. Thanks?
Demi Moore is currently in some new Ann Taylor ads. Meanwhile, Ashton Kutcher is currently in an Ann and some Taylors.
Dear @Arbys: unless you are tweeting to finally disclose what is in “jamoca”, I’ll thank you to leave me be. #unswallow
Cher’s cameo on #DWTS last night suggests that Chaz Bono may be the one in that family who’s still packing the most original factory parts.
Terrell Owens may have tried to o.d. on pills. Authorities are trying to figure out how he got the pills to his mouth without dropping them.
Amy Winehouse’s father is writing a memoir about his daughter. It’s called “Hurry! The Gravy Train is Leaving Exploitationville!”
Steve Jobs biological father is sad because Steve never called him. And because he gave away a genius billionaire. But yeah, calls are nice.
Steve Jobs’ signature turtleneck saw a huge sales boom. Which means “Zombie Steve Jobs” is going to be huge this Halloween. Amongst jerks.
RT @EmilyPostmodern: Promiscuity in women is usually a sign of dada issues.
I get up for work each day at 4:00 AM. Slurred Michael Jackson Voice, I know just how you feel.
RT @carlosmencia: Happy hump day everyone!
Thanks, no. #puttwowordstogethermakeaninsult
His new single: “If you want football, say Netan-YAHOO!!” #hankwilliamsjr
The staff of “Dancing with the Stars” found a suspicious package. Speaking of which, that Chaz Bono’s not so bad, right?
Last #Andy Rooney was great. Wonderful surprise ending when he woke up on the old set, in bed with Mike Wallace.
Researchers in Oregon discovered fossils of a seven-million-year-old beaver. Out of habit, Ashton Kutcher immediately had sex with it.
September 2011
21 posts
Why do the Republicans keep clamoring for Christie to enter the race when their field is virtually teeming with perfectly viable shitheads?
Kevin Costner has dropped out of Tarantino’s “Django Unchained” over concerns that the film might not be fucking terrible.
Shouldn’t “Human Centipede 2” be called “Human Millipede?” #atari